This was definitely a difficult post for me to put together, but here goes:
I quit. I quit Core de Force right at the half way point. I quit meal prepping. I quit caring about myself. I quit caring about helping others. I just plain quit.
Let me explain.
I try to be very open about my struggles with depression and anxiety, but the truth is I don't really understand it myself, so it's hard for me to share when I can't seem to wrap my head around it on my own.
It seems so silly to me that during the winter months when they sun and blue sky are a rarity here in New York that I simply can't function. I sleep more than I'm awake, I hardly have energy to stand long enough to brush my teeth, and the thought of caring about my health and fitness exhausts me to the point where I need to sit and regain my energy. It makes no sense to me, and I'm frustrated by it and I wish that it was different, but all of the wishing and hoping in the world won't change the situation.
And so I begin my journey to find the life I need to live while dealing with these internal struggles, because continuing in this way simply will not work for me. I no longer want to have wasted days where I don't move from the couch, or spend every moment waiting until I can crawl back into bed. It's difficult for me to alter my life completely based on how I feel on any given day, but I think that is what I need to do until I consistently have days where I feel good and energized and motivated.
So where does that leave me?
I loved Core de Force. It was tough and intense and an amazing workout, but it required a certain amount of energy that I simply cannot make happen on a regular enough basis when I feel like I'm drowning in my depression. I believe that, in most cases, someone should suck it up and push through their workouts, even when they felt tired, but unfortunately I could only make it half way through any given workout and I found myself completely empty the entire rest of the day.
Every day was a struggle to find enough energy to think about fueling my body with good, clean food, food that would nourish my body. Even as I type this it sounds so silly to me, but it truly seems easier to grab whatever I can shovel into my mouth rather than spend a few minutes to put together a salad. It's time like this where I just can't possibly care about myself or my health because it's just too exhausting.
So I quit. But just for now.
I did a lot of soul searching and I have a plan of attack for at least the next few months. A plan that I'm hoping will help me flourish as much as I can during these times. On February 13th I will be starting the Ultimate Reset and the 3 Week Yoga Retreat.
The Reset is a 3 week program that focuses on simplifying the diet. I've done it twice in the past and loved it. I spent those 6 total weeks very uncomfortable because the simplicity of the plan forced me to look at my relationship with food, something that's always been a little nasty. My depression causes me to grab food for comfort, which is certainly the wrong thing to do, so I'm excited to address those feelings and habits head on.
The 3 Week Yoga Retreat is simply 3 weeks of beginner yoga. I believe that is another great way to cleanse my soul and my mind as I try to find my most successful life while my depression and anxiety are so at the front of my mind.
I know it will be a challenging 3 weeks, but I am so very excited. I've had enough of ignoring these issues. It's time I look my fears and struggles right in the eye and find success despite the struggles I have this time of year. I am hoping that by the end of February I will know myself and my emotions and habits better and that I will have a renewed energy to do what needs to be done for me to live with them but not lose myself in them.