This post has been such a long time coming. I've avoided it so much that for the last several months I simply took the blog section of my website down. But I'm here, and I'm going to force myself to write this damn post before almost certainly crawling into a ball and trying to drown my problems in Netflix.
Over the past several years (I'm talking like 6 years), my health has fluctuated with a general downward trend. In that time I did go vegetarian and then vegan so I know that I have made some massively important health improvements, but overall my health has declined. Over that time I've gained roughly 45 pounds and currently sit at my all time heaviest weight. I do know that some of that is muscle, so I keep that in mind, but my body fat is well above a safe, healthy level. I have stopped taking the time to care for myself mentally, and find myself dealing with an ever so lovely twitch that I know has been brought on by stress. I don't sleep well, I struggle in my workouts, my skin is breaking out, my clothes don't fit, and I just generally feel like shit all of the time.
No matter how many times I say, "this is it. I change now", there hasn't been an actual turning point for me, and quite frankly I'm just embarrassed. I'm embarrassed by my crappy eating habits, my lack of motivation, my seeming inability to meditate on a regular basis, and how I seem to just sit and wait for the day to be over. Each and every day. I am not this person. I am not lazy, or unmotivated, or unconcerned about self care. I like to blame it on my seasonal depression, which is absolutely a thing, but seasonal depression doesn't last for the bulk of 6 entire years.
It's time I speak up about these struggles. I know I'm not the only one going through something like this. It's time I shout it from the roof tops so I can actually, truly start to make a change. I am struggling. I am frustrated. I am embarrassed. And I am tired of feeling this way. But simply bringing light to all of these problems is only step one. It's hard, sure, but I'm typing this from my cozy studio-how hard can that possibly be? Eh, not that hard. So what do I do from here?
I know that being goal oriented is insanely productive. I do it in my business, in our home renovations, and I make my clients do it for our workouts, so why it's taken me so long to get to this point is beyond me. But whatever, here we are. I knew I needed something big. No more of this "I want to fit in X dress by my birthday", because for me that never works. I wanted something that had more risk attached to it. A bit of a reward, sure, but more than anything, a big risk. Because something as simple as not being able to fit into a dress or my skinny jeans-if I don't hit that goal then there's no repercussions.
So I went big and bold (at least for me). I signed myself up for a Tough Mudder. I've done smaller mud runs in the past and while training for those my fitness training had a clear direction and it was so much easier to stay committed. Based on the fitness classes I teach now I feel that I could pretty comfortably make it through a, say, Survival Race, or Color Run without needing to add to my current workout schedule (which truly is just the classes I teach). I needed something more. Something that scared the shit out of me. So I picked a Tough Mudder. 10 miles, 20+ obstacles, and lots of things that are going to require some hard training and forethought.
It's only been about a week since I signed up, but I feel like I've made a massive turn in my personal health and fitness already. Now, during my classes, when I want to modify I think, "Listen, bitch. You aren't going to make it through that Mudder if your lazy ass can't do 30 seconds of tuck jumps". (the voice in my head is much more rude than I am to my clients, but I sorta like it). I haven't perfected my diet yet, but when I go searching for a snack now I hesitate before picking up a "bad" food. I've felt more excitement when putting together recipes for the week and I've been inspired to shift back to a more raw food based diet. Yes, I've had wayyyy to much crap food the past week, but I've also thrown in some good, quality, healthy, raw foods as well.
I know that I have a million failures and slip ups in front of me. I know that I'll stumble a ton on this journey, but having this direction has given me hope. And fear. So much fear. And I really do hate myself for picking such a big, scary, ridiculous, challenging goal, but I want to actually make it through the course alive, so I'll be changing my daily habits accordingly.
And as I go along, I'll be transparent 100% of the way. I'll be doing weekly blog posts, sharing how I'm training, and hopefully come July 20th, I'll have a wonderful story about how today is my bottom, but I clawed my way back up to solid ground.